My junior year of highschool was a struggle for me. i did not enjoy getting up every morning and returning to the place that made me so negative. everything seemed like it was deteriorating as far as grades and motivation went. But my AP Lang class did something different for me. It taught me important writing techniques, good diction and syntax, yes, but it also taught me something personal. it taught me that i had the freedom to write whatever i had on my mind in the exact way that i saw (or heard) it.
Things were not going “swimmingly” for me between 16 and 17 years old. Most of my grades were C’s, and i thought i could never get ahead in school anymore. Homework papers were piling up like leaves in the fall time, my concentration was smeared around like paint on canvas, and on top of all that, the question that was constantly asked, “where are you going to apply for college?” always hovered around somewhere.
with all this pressure on me, i could not think but to do one thing and that was to stop caring about myself and to become a machine who’s only mission was to do the work that was set in front of it. this worked a little, it didnt get me ahead, but it kept me going. i would do enough work to get me by instead of doing a good job for myself. i think my AP Lang teacher, Mrs. Landvatter, saw that. she was always very involved in her students but i think i stood out to her. I had her the previous year for english and always did a terrific job with my writing which is why i think she noticed something was wrong. she saw that i was struggling with timed writes, rhetorical writing, etc, and when she confronted me about it i always questioned how any of it was going to help me in life.
of course that was quite an ignorant thing to say now that im older. but it was true, i was tired of writing things that i didnt understand the purpose of. not just in english, but school in general. i was tired of doing things that didnt have an explained purpose and i was tired of failing at something i didnt want to do in the first place, i had to say that somehow. i had to somehow tell the world how i felt about it but i didnt know where to start. there were too many issues that i couldnt explain at once. finally, sometime between march and april of that year, i decided i just needed to see what the problem was and solve it for myself. i knew nobody was going to help me, i mean, why would they? it wasnt their problem. so one friday night after school, i was playing guitar and watching TV in my room when i thought to myself, “what if i just wrote down every single thing that popped into my head the exact way that i see it?”. it was a grand idea i thought. i would be able to write what i wanted and not be graded on a scale to judge if i was passing or not. it was a new way of writing for me and i dubbed it “speak the mind”. so i set my guitar on my bed and pulled out my laptop, opened a word document and just like that i literally began speaking my mind.
for the first time in a while words were just flowing from my fingertips and i did not once forget what point i was trying to make because it really didnt matter. the only point of typing everything was to say what i wanted and read back to myself what i wrote. it was the most enjoyable writing experience i have ever had.
i wrote what was on my mind about school, working, how life was going in general, etc. it was extremely satisfying and stress relieving to sit back and let my mind wander but still be able to track what i had thought. it was like a holding tank for all my thoughts and once i put it all down, i could search for the ones i liked and collect them; just like a fish tank. there was no right or wrong way to write like there was in my English class, no boundaries on what i could say, and no limit to what i could write. it was like a large middle finger to all the formal techniques of writing and everything i was taught to write, and it made me feel like i had come up with my own style of writing.
After a solid 2.5 hours of writing, i decided it was time to eat dinner. when i put my laptop away and stood up, i had a much different feeling. for once, my mind was at peace and i could enjoy something without thinking about all the things i had been struggling with. it was almost as if the world was asking me to write everything i had on my mind and when i finally did, all i had was silence in my head. it was great.
i took this experience with me to school the following week. Things seemed to be more relaxed and less critical. it didnt feel like the world was out to get me anymore, at least not as much. in fact, i still use this method of writing every once in awhile when i need to take a moment and look at my life. whenever i feel like there is too much going on, ill open up a document and just begin typing an update of my life and what has been happening. definitely a positive experience.
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